All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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