Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize