So it's 10:55am and I just woke up on the floor in the hallway on the4th floor. There should probably be no moredrinking competetions.
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Randomize
