why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I got her a Nickelback box set.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Randomize
