we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
