Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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