I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
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