i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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