So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
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