my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Randomize
