maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
