just tell him i said nine months
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
