WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
