dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Randomize
