Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
