remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
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