i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
