It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
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