I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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