soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Randomize
