Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
