how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
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