I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
