i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
