I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Randomize
