Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Randomize
