Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
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