I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
