Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
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