HIV tests are more positive than that guy
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
that's an acceptable place to lick
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
