I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Randomize
