I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
not ubering you a puppy
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
