That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I want to fling myself into the sun
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
