why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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