If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Randomize
