He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Randomize
