I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
