Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
