Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
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