am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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