You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
