how can u be prego again
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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