Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
