You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
NoShamevember. You game?
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
