well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Randomize
