What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
our cab driver is having phone sex.
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
Randomize
