The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
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