Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Randomize
