Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Randomize
