i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
