I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize