Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
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