so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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