I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize
