Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
