I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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