It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
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