i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Randomize
