True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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