I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Randomize
