____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
Randomize
