I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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