Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Randomize
