i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
Randomize
